Change is scary and usually unwelcomed. Unless you’re talking about wardrobe change, new lip color, new nail color or moving into your dream home. But even with good change the unknown is feared. What if that color doesn’t compliment my skin? What if the house becomes a financial burden? All kinds of things could go wrong with the new.
I’m sure the change I am going through is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Ironically it is also the most exhilarating thing (outside of sex). Yeah sure my emotions are all over the place, contradicting one another, tears running down my face that turn into heart wrenching sobs within seconds when minutes ago I was cracking up laughing. Still though I feel very good about my decision…
“What did I do,” you ask.
Oh nothing just quit my job of eighteen years. I know. Let that sink in.
This change was needed and has been coming for a while. The fear of not having a regular income kept me in an abusive relationship with someone (my job) who did not want to see me grow. What would I do? How will I pay my bills? What if this next thing doesn’t do what I believe it would do?
I didn’t and still don’t see that company taking me any further, and it wasn’t from my lack of trying. For more years than I care to count I tried transferring to other departments for newer ventures. We had come to the end of our road. There was nothing else for me to offer them but anger and resentment. Feeling held back and unappreciated was beginning to affect me. My negative energy had taken over and hate was an everyday feeling. Rarely I fould joy on weekends when I could be away from work for more than two days.
Maybe I shouldn’t have anger and resentment toward them. Maybe I should reserve some of that anger and resentment to myself. Ten years in I earned my Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and silly me thought this would bring me up in a company in which I had been so loyal. I mean true it was a hospital who needed more nurses than anything and sticking people with needles was not really my thing, but there is a whole business side to it also. A side that no one wanted to let me into. That side I’m assuming was for the elite and you had to be brought in by an elder, something I didn’t have and couldn’t find. Sort of like the train station at nine and three-quarters it just wasn’t for me to see.
Although scared, confused and lonely, because no one really understood my position. I’m ready for a new journey. Taking my retirement investment, the best thing about my eighteen years I’m investing in something else. A much brighter future that will happen way before I am sixty. I know I deserve to wear a crown but no one is going to just give it to me even if it is my birth right. But I will rightfully take it and wear it proudly. I don’t at all think building this new me will be easy but she will be worth it. Not for a moment longer can I stand not knowing my greatness or not having my greatness notice me. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Each day will be different, some better than others but all will be conquered.
Bambi St. James 